God's Man | nanoLunch | The Organizer...
Sitting in a familiar place always relaxes me. The clink of the glasses as people drink their beverages. The sounds of forks clacking. The gentle murmur of voices close enough to be heard but far enough away to be distinguishable. It is amazing to me how it is to relax in scenarios like this. I mean I should really be nervous and full of angst. I should be cursing cruel fate or exalting in the opportunities that are in front of me.
As the waitress drops off my appetizer I wonder if she can see the turmoil that is happening in side of me the same way that I can see hers. You see that is my gift, my blessing and curse all rolled into one. I listen to the internal dialogue that she is having. “Should I stay here and continue to work for the family or should I move on to MY dreams? I mean I have given my life to this family. Haven’t I put my desires on hold long enough?”
The crunch of my egg-roll brings me back to my table. The spicy sweetness of the fish sauce makes me smile and provides me with a focus. I love spicy food. Ever since I was a little kid I have enjoyed peppers. The heat has always been a comfort for me. Like a blanket. That’s what the guy in front of me is thinking about right now. He is remembering waking up this morning next to his wife. When he gets up she wraps herself further in the blanket on their bed. That blanket never looked so good. The spice is starting to catch up with me as I take a sip of my water. The contrast of the spiciness of my food against the cold ice water pulls me back in.
See this is the struggle for those like me. My gift is not something that I can turn off. I am constantly having to bring myself back into my own mind. This gift has turned me into an antennae for everyone around me and it takes a lot of focus to block them out. Or a big enough distraction like my entree being set down in front of me. I notice the extra dish of rice that she sets down as well. I smile and say thank you . I have been eating here for a while now and she knows that I will ask for extra rice later on. Or did I put that there when I ordered? It is hard to tell now.
Not only does my antennae receive I can also broadcast on the subconscious level. That is why it is always hard to tell when things happen because when you work with the subconscious the results are as predictable. But what can you expect from people who very rarely express their true feelings and motivations. Case in point is the people behind me. The man is commenting on the woman’s singing ability but he is not telling her that he has romantic aspirations towards her. The woman is grateful to have someone whom she can talk to but is frustrated that her husband doesn’t show the same level of attentiveness. Can they see the disaster that they are barreling towards?
The mind is a series of connections between related concepts. You feel good while eating something, like I do right now eating my spicy string beans, and you create a connection between that activity and the feeling. The next time that you eat the spicy string beans you will start to feel good again. Even if you are in a bad mood when you start. The same thing happens with people. Right now the lady behind me is thinking about how her husband used to sit and listen to her for hours however she is connecting that feeling with this guy that she is with. Right now I can see that the connection is weak but the more that they reinforce it the more she will associate the emotions of her early relationship with someone new. Then her husband will be in trouble. I wonder if it is right what I am about to do. I slowly reach out, visualizing the connection that is being formed in her mind. I take a look around and see her husband and their recent history. I see all of the withered and weak connections between the two of them. I start strengthening them again. I reconnect her to the good feelings she once had for her husband. When I am finished she feels very much in love and you can hear the difference in the way she is talking to this man. I see the connection she had formed with him flicker and then splinter away. Reaching into his mind is much easier, as with most men, and I find that his intentions, while prurient, began out of concern for a friend. I search around for a memory of a close friend and begin connecting his memory of her with the feelings for a close friend. When I pull myself back out of his mind you can see the look in his eye has changed. He leans back and nudges the conversation back to safer topics.
My empty plate drives me back to reality and I realize that I am full and content. The music playing in the restaurant is soothing and I want to sit and relax a while. I notice that I am getting drowsy. Something doesn’t feel right as I look around the room. My mind is very fuzzy and I can’t seem to focus.
That is when I feel it. The presence of dread. A mind that I haven’t felt in a long time. I try to look up but all I can see is silhouette against the doorway. I can still taste the string beans and wish that I could get another sip of water as I slump down in my seat.
I wonder where I will wake up this time...